It’s a strange place
Where sad things go; I had followed them before
To a cavern where blind fish-bats swim with dead-
Eyes opened wide, chasing rainbows in the murk;
What is it that they
Think about in all that darkness, the sallow dialogue
Of yeast and barley, ill-fated wine; in mid-speech,
I thought it (sadness) would come for me, too;
Let me say this
Dear friend, you were wise to have left me there,
And I loving you (or nothing at all) let things go,
Indifference breeds indifference, so it’s been said.
In late January,
We woke one Sunday morning and marveled at
The day after rain; I packed my bags and packed
Your box, and knew something of sadness since.
Comments (11)
i like this one a lot!
works on so many levels, sound, form, and all.
the images and and sounds flow really well together. very personal, yet accessible at the same time.
your best in recent months…
well done, poet!
Hmm…
Thanks Connie. I feel like there’s something off with it still, may tinker around if not feeling lazy. Have a good weekend.
Still deciding if i like the new 4th line better.
Just a thought.
Good night.
well, you know best
tinker tinker away
“chasing rainbows” line works
for the reader, easier to follow first half, imagery strong
last two stanzas are more esoteric, talking to someone, private convo, but to whom?
there’s a clear shift, imagery to dialogue — maybe that’s where you could help the reader make sense of speaker’s thought process.
imagery strong, i like.
Thank you for your suggestions. I am going to let this one sit; looking at the same thing too long just doesn’t work and it was hard enough to write it. BTW, this is my contribution to the world of sappy breakup poems. Snippets from earlier this year that coalesced while sitting alone for a week in a dark hotel room in Vegas. Business trip. Closure, maybe. Some clarifications:
- The first and last stanzas are concrete, image and event. The middle two are transitional.
- The first half is metaphorical, asks a question, makes a conjecture, establishes an imaginary land of strange self-absorbed creatures.
- The latter half is anecdotal, answers the question, refutes the conjecture, shifts to a moment of reality (which is actually what the poem is about).
Everything else is just build-up. In writing this, nothing was intentional. It just came out by accident and then I observed the above patterns afterhand.
thanks for clarification.
a solid contribution just the same.
poetry is often good therapy; occasionally, therapy generates good poetry.
closure is good. well done.
Did you receive Irena’s book yet?
Yes, I did! It not too shibby on the shabby if I do say so myself. Has she written anything else? The one or two poems you had shared w/ me previously by her were actually a bit better in substance.
Beautifully written.
Here is my confession…if you EVER tell her I said this, then…well, you can figure it out the insanely huge punishment.
I will actually tell you on AIM…I don’t want anyone else to know…